Quick Facts About PA

What is PA?

Parental Alienation (PA) is when a child rejects the other parent for no apparent reason.

For no apparent reason is key here because if your opponent accused you of abusing a child, the courts will see that as a legitimate reason for your child to reject you, in which case they call it “estrangement.”

Parental alienation expert, Dr. Amy J. L. Baker, PhD, indicates that when the child can’t resist the pressure of choosing one parent over another they are alienated. She adds, “Their relationship with the targeted parents (TP) is based on the emotional manipulation of the favoured or alienating parent (AP) rather than based on the actual experiences with the targeted parent.” The AP controls access, communication, including negatively interpreting things the TP says to the child (i.e., telling the child something you said to them is you trying to manipulate the child, instead of the other way around).

What are the different degrees of PA?

Mild – The child may seem distant or upset at first during time with you, or be critical, show lack of trust, or have doubts, then return to their usual self fairly quickly.3

Moderate – This is a more heightened level of the above behaviors. The child is more resistant to time with you and may be challenging to deal with – cold, distant – and take longer to come around to being themselves, like maybe after a day or so.3

Severe – Baker indicates the child may not come to the visits and if they do, “they’re shut down emotionally,” and may bring their own food, and other necessities, giving you the message, ‘I want nothing from you’ and spend their time on their own with the AP on the phone. They’re there in body only. In worse case scenarios, they stop visiting altogether, and begin to shut you out of their lives completely – not returning texts or calls, and may block you from leaving voicemails, etc.

The severity of the alienation of the child matches the degree of the pathology of the AP, which we will cover more about them later.

What is Trauma Bonding?

According to Cleveland Clinic Health Essentials, “It’s a situation where we form a strong attachment to someone who is causing us harm…when the person experiencing abuse develops a deep connection with their abuser within the cycle of abuse.” They continue, “It may be surprising to hear that you can develop a bond with someone who treats you poorly, but this is why the cycle of abuse is an important puzzle piece. The cycle of abuse can create a false sense of safety during the reconciliation and calm phase (more on that in a moment). As Duke explains, this is why a person being abused will cling onto those moments of peace, even when they go away. “This cycle is often what elicits feelings of attachment,” says Duke. “And the feelings similar to a bond happen toward the abuser or perpetrator.”

What is the adultification enmeshment used in PA?

According to Dr. Steve Miller, adultification is making kids little adults. For instance, the alienating parent (AP) might say, “Why don’t you decide if you want to see dad.” This explains the frustration with teens impacted by AP’s. The teen is considered old enough to know what they want (including in the court’s eyes, which is what the AP is counting on), yet are being brain washed. They have a caretaker type connection with the AP, who acts like a victim, and feels compelled to stand up for them and take care of their needs, rather than the other way around.

What happens to a child alienated from their parent?

Dr. Amy Baker indicates, “The more exposed to the PA, the more they grow up dependent and anxious, have poor relationships and are stuck developmentally in their life.” She likens the experience to a cult, indicating that if you put an eighteen-year-old in a cult for ten years, they still come out as an eighteen-year-old, not having learned life skills that they would have otherwise.

She adds, “They stay dependent, not learning critical thinking skills, not learning how to navigate interpersonal conflict, how to resolve things in mutually respectful ways. The AP is teaching the child the opposite of what you want the child to grow up to be – happy, confident, separate people,” says Baker. This includes learning and practicing skills such as forgiveness, compassion, and generosity.

Other issues include mental health symptoms, such as depression and addiction.

Why is PA considered child abuse?

Across the board, experts consider PA child abuse because of the psychological impact it has on them. Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes, PhD says, “The child is experiencing direct abuse and witnessing abuse to the TP.”

Think about the distress, emotional and mental impact on the child if the other parent is telling them that you don’t care enough to know about their health and medical issues, or don’t go to their school events, or they are encouraged to spy on you, and they think you’re causing their financial problems or being made to feel they can’t love you and aren’t loved by you… Imagine the harm to a child believing these things being told to them, and not having the opportunity for you to be able to show them otherwise…

Even if the child or teen realizes what’s happening, they may feel powerless to do anything about it because of the pathological enmeshment that’s formed with the alienating parent (AP). Maybe they’ve felt rejected or emotionally abandoned by the AP before, which was very painful to them, and they don’t want to experience it again. Or love is being deprived or other tactics used to keep them compliant. So, the child feels emotionally coerced into complying with the AP and may not even realize it.

The tricky part with PA is that the harm to the child isn’t always immediately visible, so your ex can say, “The child is doing great in school, so things are fine,” and people and the courts may believe it. Many of the impacts are long-term.

What are some visible signs that PA is impacting your child?

Child symptoms of PA can be physical or mental. Many people think if the child appears to be thriving, such as in school, sports, work or otherwise, they must be fine, but that’s not the case. Clues can be whether they’re having problems sleeping, or getting headaches or stomach aches, or other physical symptoms are appearing, such as getting sick a lot, or an increase in a medication, such as a puffer if they have asthma.

Mental issues can include anger, depression, guilt, or shame.

The chronic stress from the situation contributes to emotional up and downs in the child though, causing extreme reactions to situations that might not normally affect them or to the degree they are.

Other ways the child is impacted are a lack of empathy, problems with intimate relationships because their sense of trust has been impaired, and irrational views of situations. Basically, a part of themselves has been oppressed.

Baker says, “The child is not only murdering the TP, they’re murdering that part of themselves, and when in adulthood the gravest consequences will come to light.”

What’s the impact of PA to the targeted parent (TP)?

To sum up the impact of PA to the TP in one word, “devastating.” You feel rejected, confused, uncertain, helpless, and begin questioning yourself and the kind of parent you were to your child. It can affect your self-esteem and self-worth, cause anger, anxiety, depression, and other mental health disorders that didn’t exist before. Or as Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes, PhD puts it, “The AP is causing mental health issues in the TP.”  As if having your child alienated weren’t enough. It’s a nightmare that doesn’t seem to end, impacting so many areas.

PA can also trigger or increase the addictions in the TP, which then causes them to not be as emotionally available to the child. However, being undermined, criticized, and villainized repeatedly can be traumatic.

Finances can be severely impacted with litigation, mental health costs, and time off work because of both.

Socially. Many parents that have experienced PA isolate themselves out of fear of judgement from others. There are many fallacies associated with PA, including “the TP must have done something to make the child not want to be with them.” As a TP, you scrutinize every action you took, and feel guilty for every imperfection. And maybe you weren’t the most perfect parent, but you are likely a good one, who is caring, compassionate, loving, devoted, and gave your all to your child. But people not experiencing this don’t understand it. It’s one of those situations you have to experience to fully understand.

Dr. Amy Baker describes the alienation process of the TP to be like never ending grieving, where you constantly feel the loss. However, the difference here is that you are repeatedly being rejected and treated badly in other ways too.

How do I act around my child during PA?

Think about whether you want to be the emotionally unavailable and unsafe person the AP is painting you as, or the strong, confident, happy, fun person your child may remember deep down and be drawn to once again…

Nobody can show your child the connection you can have together but you. Show them they can count on you, trust you, have fun with you, and feel like they can be themselves and think for themselves around you, contrary to some of what they may be experiencing with the AP. The key word here is show.

Don’t try and force serious conversations or lay proof on your child about the alienation or being brainwashed or manipulated, or you’ll be met with resistance, given the deep entrenchment, or programing the AP may on them. Keep them out of those conversations and focus on the you that is being erased from their lives.

Keep it light and fun, warm and loving, and maintain yourself as a consistent engaged part of their lives. Don’t allow for long periods of time without seeing them and try and seek opportunities to make up for it where you can, even if it’s for an hour or so.

Remember, this is NOT their fault. It’s also not your fault. It’s programing.